The News.

I can't say it's easy to type this.  Yesterday, I felt like I would never stop crying.  We found out we're not pregnant.  There's no rhyme or reason.  It just wasn't the right time, I guess.  Everything that can be tweaked has been tweaked, and still no positive results.  All we can do is wait.

I got the call around 3:30pm.  The doctor's office called, and when I answered, she just said, "Shana, I'm afraid I don't have good news."  Well, I made it through that phone call, and then proceeded to cry for the next…well forever…it seemed.  I was signed up to take a couple in our sunday school class dinner yesterday who had just had a baby.  So, I went downstairs, cried, cooked, re-applied makeup…cried on the way there…re-applied makeup…dropped off the food, made small talk…cried on the way home, cried going to Bible study…re-applied makeup…cried during prayer request time in our small group…then cried on the way home from Bible study.  River, anyone??  Well, I guess I just needed to get it all out :)

God's mercies renew in the morning.  Today has been a better day.  I teared up when I first got to work today, but I asked the Lord for strength, and for faith that trusts in Him alone.  The rest of my day has been much better.  I feel like I'm back in working mode. I talked with the fertility clinic again today, as well as my OB/GYN - together we're all trying to figure out our next step.  Please pray for wisdom for my doctors and for continued peace and guidance for Matt and me.

The hardest part in all of this for me is the fact that I can't give Matt a child…his own child, who has his face and his dark brown doe-shaped eyes….that I may never see my own reflection in a child staring back up at me.  We have so many sweet names picked out for our children.  It is fun to dream with Matt.  I am so thankful for him.  God gave me a man who is sensitive and strong, and can listen and love with a ferocity.  I could never go through this heartache month after month without the Lord, and without Matt.

Tonight, a tight knit group of friends came over for dinner since Matt is out of town.  We were only missing one girl who couldn't make it.  We five friends have been meeting for dinner for years.  I love these women.  They are such a blessing in my life, and I am so grateful for their friendships.  We laughed and talked for over three hours before it was time to get home.  Thank you, Lord, for the friendships of women.