I have mixed emotions as I write this update. For months of taking an oral form of medication that would help stimulate my ovaries and raise my progesterone levels, with excellent results of ovary stimulation at the very lowest dose, and still not getting pregnant….to find out today at a moderate dose of injectable medication that is supposed to be above and beyond the oral medication, I only have one "barely mature" follicle, but it is mature. With the oral medication, I always had at least two "super mature" follicles. I even gave myself a higher dose of the injectable medication than what was prescribed because I feared this would happen. Of course, "we only need one" keeps going through my mind, but it is of little solace. They were sure to reiterate that to me today as well at the office, after saying that they really hoped for at least FOUR "super mature" follicles for a best case scenario. I was asked if I still want to go through with IUI in two days (which they encouraged me to do).
With my heart sinking at this good (we have one follicle!)/bad (the odds are against us) news…I am having a hard time with knowing what is best. We went ahead and scheduled the procedure while I was at the office. After all, if we don't do it and don't give it a chance…we've likely just wasted thousands of dollars over the past two months. If we do proceed, and it's unsuccessful, we've wasted even more. But what if it's successful?
The second hardest part of the day today was leaving the office after hearing this news, and passing a million (or so it seemed) pregnant young women. Standing in the line at the grocery store fighting back tears, seeing magazine after magazine of celebrities being pregnant, Kate Middleton having twins (though I'm not even sure that's true!), and reading posts on Facebook of so many friends having their fourth and fifth babies. Today was not a good day to be on Facebook :)
My hope is in the Lord. He made my body. He is in control, and He is the Author of life and death. He can give us a child however and whenever He wants. There lies the Truth that is filling the deep recesses of my heart. He can handle my heartache. He can handle my frustration. He beckons me to sit at His feet and cast these burdens on Him, so that He can bring comfort and peace. He is enough.
As I was driving home from the grocery store today, Psalm 23:1-3 and Proverbs 3:5-6 came to mind.
Psalm 23: 1-3
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.
Surely the Lord is good and faithful. We will wait upon the Lord. We would covet your prayers during these next few days - for comfort and peace and for a successful IUI procedure on Friday morning.
**Let me take this moment to say how truly happy i am for all of my friends/family with children and those who are currently pregnant. EVERY child is a blessing from the Lord, and we rejoice with you. Of course, in being completely honest, yes, I am a little jealous. :) But this is the road the Lord has for me. I love your babies, and am thrilled for each of you, and love you to the moon and back.**
- Shana
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