A little drama is good for the soul

Ya'll.  

(pronounced with a drawl and an octave above the norm)

Any good southerner knows when you start out with a statement like that...what follows is going to be quite interesting.

Let me just begin by saying Matt and I recently had (thought we had) the opportunity to adopt two precious baby twins.  A couple in our church are foster parents of a sweet little baby whose birth mother was pregnant again with twins.  Matt and I cooked breakfast for our Sunday school last Sunday, and the aroma of its deliciousness drew those old friends down the hall at church to find out what was cooking :) 

This friend of mine and I went to PA school together, and he and his wife and three kids now also go to our church.  This is the couple who is fostering.  He told me about the twins (already 18 weeks!) and of course, Matt and I were more than willing to put our name in the hat to adopt them.  By that afternoon, we were having a 45 minute conversation with the birth mother, and she all but told us the babies were ours.  She had another couple she was considering as well, but the father got sick, and she didn't think it was best.  Matt and I were elated and nervous at the same time.  The next day, we found a local adoption attorney, and got the process of our home study underway with a social worker. The one thing this birth mother kept telling us is that she wanted to make sure these babies did not go to DHR. We were more than happy to oblige!

We had plans to meet the birth mother during the following 1-2 weeks.  Adoption reference letters were sent out to be made on our behalf.  We were praying to God for guidance and direction, and to protect those babies.

Then this happened.  Following you will read three emails.  The first news devastated us.

This email was sent to a few of the ladies in my small group, who just found out the night before that we were planning to adopt, Lord willing:

Our birth mother miscarried the twins this morning.  Apparently her fall yesterday that we told you guys about was worse than she let on.  Although she was encouraged to seek medical treatment yesterday, she didn't.  She woke up this morning in a puddle of blood, and miscarried both babies at home.  She is currently not returning texts any longer to our friends.

I am at work today in the ER and just received this phone call from my friend, R.  Please pray for us, for our birth mother, and for our friends who are still trying to help her.

Obviously, I have not had time to process this before the Lord, yet.  We know the He will bring peace that surpasses understanding, but I am so very sad.

Thank you for your prayers,

Shana

The following day, I responded to a mentor's email who was checking on me with this:

Thank you for your prayers.  I have surely felt them yesterday and today.  My time with the Lord yesterday morning (in continuing with my Lenten study) was on the night before Jesus went to the cross and was praying, "take this cup from me, Father. But not my will, but yours be done."   By the end, my prayer before the Lord was that this would be the foundation of my life and my walk with Him.  That I would desire His will above my own in everything. 

I did not realize He would bring that back up so quickly.  But I am thankful He prepared my heart somewhat before we found out that news yesterday.  It was hard, it is hard.  This morning as I was spending time with the Lord, I confessed to Him that it feels as if He's asking me to give any dream I've ever had of my life over to Him. Any dream of motherhood, a large family, etc.  These are really the only things I've ever thought about when I thought about my future (besides being married, which thankfully, God allowed!).  I can look back in my high school senior book, and it says, "be a doctor, married, with at least 5 kids".  This is the hardest part. To give up that dream. To hand it over and say, "Not my will, but Yours be done".  But what else can I do?  I can't live miserably in regret or bitterness. 

So, my heart is sad.  It mourns these losses every time a new friend, coworker, family member announces their pregnancy.  I have to trust that God is doing something far greater than I can even imagine, and one day He will reveal it to me and Matt.  But that is easier said than done on my best day :)

Matt is not ready to give up. He wants to keep trying with our fertility doctor.  So, I will honor his request.  I would love to give him a child that looks like him and has his eyes. He really would be such an amazing daddy. But, in my heart of hearts, I feel God is saying no. Time will tell.  Matt is "staying strong" for now, but I think it's because he still has hope we'll be parents. I haven't seen him lose that hope yet. He has the gift of faith, remember? :)

Anyway, thank you for your email and checking in. I'm working today and tomorrow in the ER and then will have some time off. Looking forward to that.

Talk soon,

Shana

THEN THIS!!! This was the third day...yesterday.  An email back to my mentor.  Let me just say again....YA'LLLLLL.

 

So, I received a call this morning that the entire pregnancy was a fake.  A FAKE! 

The girl was never pregnant. She stuffed her belly to look pregnant. The pictures were very convincing...but now looking back, you can sort of tell. Her belly was a little bit different each time - but who sees that when someone tells you they're pregnant and giving you their babies??!

The miscarriage was, obviously, also a fake.  It's a long story, but the graphic pictures to "prove" she miscarried the she sent our friends were downloaded off the internet. 

Again, it's a long story how all of this was figured out...but, suffice to say, she's currently locked up in a mental ward.

As I processed this news this morning, and talked with Matt about it, we are both so thankful to God for ending this before we got even more invested.  We said God was protecting us. As soon as we got involved, the charade basically ended. 

It is very humbling and we are ever so thankful.

Shana

End Dramatic Story.

As I have thought about those two days of grieving two lost babies and our very soon chance to become parents, I remember thinking, God, we trust You...but do You really hear our pleas?  What are you doing? What are Your plans for us?  I believe, but help my unbelief.  

Then, the very next day, to find out about the charade..to SEE that God NEVER took His eye off of us...that He protected us...it was such a humbling experience before the Lord, and such a spirit of thankfulness as I poured myself out at His feet. 

Oh, Lord, You are trustworthy and true! Your plans are always best.  You are FOR Your children. 

I don't know what His plans are for Matt and I in regards to parenting, having natural children, adopting, or our future.  What I do know is that HE HAS PLANS, and they are to prosper me, not to harm me, and to give me a hope and future.  My hope is in Him. 

We sang this hymn in church this morning...and I will tell you, I've never been able to contain my tears when we sing the very last verse...I long for the day I will meet my Savior face to face, and all sin will be demolished.  Forever, Lord Jesus, will I worship You. 

10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
[x2]

Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
Lord, I'll worship Your holy name

Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
I'll worship Your holy name