Letter to a friend struggling with infertility..

Good morning, friend :)

Let me start off my saying I love Jesus a lot. I know that may sound like an odd entry to an email :)  But it is the basis of this entire email.


I think I may have shared some of our story with you before, but let me recap to get to what I feel like the Lord wants me to share with you today.


I grew up in a family that just had two of us kids. However, my dad was a child of 7. So we had cousins everywhere growing up, huge family gatherings, and I loved every minute of it.  I always knew that when it was time for me to start a family, that I wanted a HUGE one!! And I mean, 'don't put a limit to it' huge :)

Matt and I were using the NFP method of learning your body, knowing when you were fertile/ovulating, etc. to both prevent pregnancy when we first married and to attempt pregnancy when we started trying. If you've never heard of NFP (natural family planning), it is a GREAT resource and way to get to know your body very well.  After accidentally having sex during what we knew was a fertile time - oh crap! (or should have been a fertile time for me) one month and not getting pregnant (wait, what?), we then started actively trying.  After four months of actively trying and not getting pregnant, we sought out my OB for advice.

As you know, we went through every test that you could possibly go through - HSG, surgery, Post coital test, etc.  All problems were fixed.  We went to a fertility clinic to start IUI, thinking if we just make SURE that the sperm is getting inside the uterus, we'll get pregnant because all of our other problems are fixed.

We got pregnant after our 3rd round of IUI.  We found out we were pregnant when we got back from Spain last year in May.  It was the most exciting news, and we both cried like babies in thankfulness to God for answering our prayers.  However, by the next week, we started to miscarry. I found out at work that my HCG levels had dropped,

Since that time, we've never gotten pregnant again after multiple rounds of IUI.

It has now been 2 years and 3 months since we've been trying.

I find it almost too hard to put into words the emotions and road that the Lord has taken me down to get to the place I am today.   I have felt anxious, unworthy, unloved, betrayed, forsaken, wallowing in the depths of despair that I am living out my judgement from God for past sin, I have felt accused, and angry.  I have also had moments of great peace and utter elation before God in praise over loving me enough to let me go through this trial that I may know Him more. I have felt the warmth of His love through His Word and fellow believers who have come alongside me in this trial and have supported me. I have experienced the body of Christ at work.  I have grown so much closer to God over these last two years in being on my knees in desperation and dependence upon Him, and in seeking His will in my life.  I have been made to own convictions in my heart that I only once said I believed (and truly thought I did until I went through this trial).  It was easy before for me to say I know God would never leave me nor forsake me, until He made me own it when I was at my lowest asking the question "why?" and "don't you love me?" in the midst of feeling forsaken. 

I have been made to own the conviction that when Jesus said at the Cross, "It is finished", that that meant once and for all, He paid for my life and showed His love for me, and I never have to question it.  It is done. Complete. He gave His life for me.

What I have learned through studying His Word and spending time with Him over these last two years is: He has a plan. He had a plan with Abraham and Sarah.  His timing, His way, His glory.  He had a plan with Hannah - His timing, His plan, His glory.  Everything (not just events for those who suffered from infertility in the Bible) happened according to God's timeline.  The purpose for all of it was to display and receive His glory.  I think of Job, Lazarus, Abraham being told to sacrifice his only child, Isaac, after waiting YEARS for him.  (Have you ever put yourself in Abraham's place, and really thought through that?  I did for the first time going through this trial, and realized how much faith I really lacked.  I honestly said before God, "I"m not sure I could have done that." It was humbling and revealing.)

What that means for me, and where God has brought me over the last two+ years, is a place where I am now in full submission to that (on most days!).  I have been blessed by Him during this trial to grow in Him and know Him and love Him even more deeply and truly than I thought I could (and I'm still growing, praise Jesus!); but even more than that..I am realizing it's not about me.  It's about Him. His glory.  He has made me examine my heart before Him, confess sin, confess the possible idolatry of parenthood, etc.

He has been and will continue to use this trial in my life to refine me and to refine Matt. But there is an even greater purpose.  He has brought us to a place where we are both in complete dependence upon Him, loving Him, and now have a way to comfort others because we, ourselves, have been through this.

Verses I have clung to during these past two years are:

James 1:2-4 "Count is all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."  (Oh, Lord, let my heart be steadfast before You!)

Job 13:15  "Though you slay me, I will hope in You."  (You are my only hope, Lord. All I have is You.)

Psalm 138:6 "For though the Lord is high, He regards the lowly." (Thank you, Lord, for loving me and thinking of me.)

Psalm 138:8 "The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do no forsake the work of Your hands."  (Lord, you are faithful. Your Will will be done.)

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future."  (You are my hope and future, Lord. Teach me Your ways that I may not sin against You.)

I will end with this.  As I was just going back through my journal, I found an entry where I wrote this to God:

"In Judges 6:11-24, in Your encounter with Gideon, Gideon had a similar question of you as I have had over this last year - "If the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us?"  This encounter ended with You showing Your faithfulness to Gideon, offering a way of deliverance, and Gideon calling you "the Lord of Peace". Oh, Lord, what a great reminder that You are with me, and that in time, You will show me Your plan in all of this.  I will trust in You."

I follow a blog that may be of some encouragement to you. It's always helped me to share in the sufferings of fellow believers who are experiencing the same trial I am - just to know I'm not alone, so to speak.  You may find some comfort in it as well.  Here is the blog: http://tskline.blogspot.com/

Today, she mentions that a friend recently told her as she asked the question, "why?", that it may not be about her at all, that it may be about those around her.  Her friend told her that all of those that have walked with her through this trial have grown because of it.

That was very encouraging to me :) Helps remind me of a greater purpose.

Of course, none of this makes my longing to be a mom any less, but it helps me breathe, and get out of bed, and see God at work in my heart.  I want what God wants for me more than I want what I think is best for me (on good days!).  He calls me to be fruitful and multiply. He tells me that children are like arrows in the bosom of their father and a man is to be respected at the gates of the city who has a bosom full. I know that He wants me to be a mom.  I know that He wants YOU to be a mom.  How that will look and in what timing, I do not know. I know it's my job to trust Him and His timing, and fall on my face before His throne in my weakness.  He loves me.  He loves YOU.  He proved that on the Cross.

It is okay to struggle, friend.  But struggle well.  Take everything to God.  He will meet you where you are.

Love you, and am praying for you.
Shana