The Road Where God Leads.

It is time. 

 Time to get healthy! 

After many pounds of weight gain in our first 2.5 years of marriage, we are committed to whittling our waists back down :)  We have started eating healthier (hence the breakfast above), and we have started running again.  Not only have we gained weight in our lack of exercise and overeating, but our sweet puppies have also.  They are all for "another treat" at ALL times :)

Speaking of running, I was driving our new puppy, Campbell, to Jemison trail the other day to go for a run and she cried the whole way.  Our older two dogs (who didn't get to go on this particular ride) LOVE being in the car and hanging their heads out of the windows, sniffing the air, trying to get a taste of all the different smells that they may encounter.  But not Campbell.  I kept trying to tell her that I was taking her to do something very fun, and the ride is how we get there.

As I was driving, continually trying to reassure her as she would barely put her nose up to the open window, God reminded me that this is often how I live my life before Him.  He knows the end result.  He knows the road that it will take to get me there and I have to trust Him.  He continually reassures me that He is in control and wants the best for me.  But, so often, I live in fear of the unknown and allow anxiousness to overtake me.  I can hear my Heavenly Father saying, "Trust me.  I am upholding you with my righteous right hand. In order to get where I am taking you, we have to take this road."

I don't know what Campbell went through before we found her…before she found us.  I don't know if the last ride she took was the one where she was abandoned.  I am committed to loving her and hugging her often and taking her on these rides so that she will learn the end result is a good one.  I don't know how long it will take, but we will keep on working until she trusts.

I imagine this is the same reason I always seem to be put in situations where I have to exhibit patience, why I have to wait, why I don't get (enter the blank) when I want it.  God is taking me on that same ride, until I learn to say, "All I need is You. Whatever you want, Lord, I will do.  I trust You."

We studied the passage of scripture recently in which Mary and Martha have sent for Jesus because their beloved brother, Lazarus, was dying.  The scripture reads, "So the sisters sent to him saying, 'Lord, he whom you love is ill.'….So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was." (John 11:3-6).

Wait, what?!  You mean, He didn't come right away?  He didn't rush to the rescue?! I mean, this is life and death!

I wrote above verse 3 and verse 6….but what about those in between.  The verses in between say, "But when Jesus heard it he said, "This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it."

The story goes that Jesus arrived 4 days after Lazarus had died, and Jesus rose Lazarus from his death (after plenty of time for the body to really stink)…and it was for his glory.  Mary and Martha didn't understand at the time, in fact, they wept at the confusion as to why Jesus wouldn't have come sooner.  But then they saw.  They understood.  It was for his glory. He DID love their brother, but His timing was not theirs.

What encouragement this is to me in life...In dealing with infertility...In not getting what I want AT THE EXACT MOMENT I want it.  And although I may never get what I want, my hope and desire is that what I want will become only what Jesus wants for me.  And that is better and best.  And my heart rests in Thee alone.  His plans, His timing, His will - is perfect.

On a lighter note,  Matt finally got his backyard golf tee up that my parents go him for Christmas and has started practicing in our very own yard!  He is so excited and states, "I can just stay out there for hours and practice with one club at a time."  ooohhhhh….yay.  :)

But, he's happy :)  And I love to see my better half happy.  I also love to see him when he gets all dressed up like below…

I call this 007. 

We went to a friend's wedding in Chattanooga, TN a couple of weekends ago where this picture was taken.  It really is so beautiful there.  We need to plan a weekend trip!

And then, here's our first born.  She LOVES being held like a baby by Matt.  I am only an intrusion :)  We joke often that she says, "Daddy, we were fine before you brought her along."   Of course, she is his baby, but she does love her mommy, too ;)

Please keep praying for us for wisdom from above in our next steps in this infertility process.  We are just months away from being able to adopt if that is God's will.  We are also still working with our reproductive endocrinologist.

Letter to a friend struggling with infertility..

Good morning, friend :)

Let me start off my saying I love Jesus a lot. I know that may sound like an odd entry to an email :)  But it is the basis of this entire email.


I think I may have shared some of our story with you before, but let me recap to get to what I feel like the Lord wants me to share with you today.


I grew up in a family that just had two of us kids. However, my dad was a child of 7. So we had cousins everywhere growing up, huge family gatherings, and I loved every minute of it.  I always knew that when it was time for me to start a family, that I wanted a HUGE one!! And I mean, 'don't put a limit to it' huge :)

Matt and I were using the NFP method of learning your body, knowing when you were fertile/ovulating, etc. to both prevent pregnancy when we first married and to attempt pregnancy when we started trying. If you've never heard of NFP (natural family planning), it is a GREAT resource and way to get to know your body very well.  After accidentally having sex during what we knew was a fertile time - oh crap! (or should have been a fertile time for me) one month and not getting pregnant (wait, what?), we then started actively trying.  After four months of actively trying and not getting pregnant, we sought out my OB for advice.

As you know, we went through every test that you could possibly go through - HSG, surgery, Post coital test, etc.  All problems were fixed.  We went to a fertility clinic to start IUI, thinking if we just make SURE that the sperm is getting inside the uterus, we'll get pregnant because all of our other problems are fixed.

We got pregnant after our 3rd round of IUI.  We found out we were pregnant when we got back from Spain last year in May.  It was the most exciting news, and we both cried like babies in thankfulness to God for answering our prayers.  However, by the next week, we started to miscarry. I found out at work that my HCG levels had dropped,

Since that time, we've never gotten pregnant again after multiple rounds of IUI.

It has now been 2 years and 3 months since we've been trying.

I find it almost too hard to put into words the emotions and road that the Lord has taken me down to get to the place I am today.   I have felt anxious, unworthy, unloved, betrayed, forsaken, wallowing in the depths of despair that I am living out my judgement from God for past sin, I have felt accused, and angry.  I have also had moments of great peace and utter elation before God in praise over loving me enough to let me go through this trial that I may know Him more. I have felt the warmth of His love through His Word and fellow believers who have come alongside me in this trial and have supported me. I have experienced the body of Christ at work.  I have grown so much closer to God over these last two years in being on my knees in desperation and dependence upon Him, and in seeking His will in my life.  I have been made to own convictions in my heart that I only once said I believed (and truly thought I did until I went through this trial).  It was easy before for me to say I know God would never leave me nor forsake me, until He made me own it when I was at my lowest asking the question "why?" and "don't you love me?" in the midst of feeling forsaken. 

I have been made to own the conviction that when Jesus said at the Cross, "It is finished", that that meant once and for all, He paid for my life and showed His love for me, and I never have to question it.  It is done. Complete. He gave His life for me.

What I have learned through studying His Word and spending time with Him over these last two years is: He has a plan. He had a plan with Abraham and Sarah.  His timing, His way, His glory.  He had a plan with Hannah - His timing, His plan, His glory.  Everything (not just events for those who suffered from infertility in the Bible) happened according to God's timeline.  The purpose for all of it was to display and receive His glory.  I think of Job, Lazarus, Abraham being told to sacrifice his only child, Isaac, after waiting YEARS for him.  (Have you ever put yourself in Abraham's place, and really thought through that?  I did for the first time going through this trial, and realized how much faith I really lacked.  I honestly said before God, "I"m not sure I could have done that." It was humbling and revealing.)

What that means for me, and where God has brought me over the last two+ years, is a place where I am now in full submission to that (on most days!).  I have been blessed by Him during this trial to grow in Him and know Him and love Him even more deeply and truly than I thought I could (and I'm still growing, praise Jesus!); but even more than that..I am realizing it's not about me.  It's about Him. His glory.  He has made me examine my heart before Him, confess sin, confess the possible idolatry of parenthood, etc.

He has been and will continue to use this trial in my life to refine me and to refine Matt. But there is an even greater purpose.  He has brought us to a place where we are both in complete dependence upon Him, loving Him, and now have a way to comfort others because we, ourselves, have been through this.

Verses I have clung to during these past two years are:

James 1:2-4 "Count is all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."  (Oh, Lord, let my heart be steadfast before You!)

Job 13:15  "Though you slay me, I will hope in You."  (You are my only hope, Lord. All I have is You.)

Psalm 138:6 "For though the Lord is high, He regards the lowly." (Thank you, Lord, for loving me and thinking of me.)

Psalm 138:8 "The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do no forsake the work of Your hands."  (Lord, you are faithful. Your Will will be done.)

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future."  (You are my hope and future, Lord. Teach me Your ways that I may not sin against You.)

I will end with this.  As I was just going back through my journal, I found an entry where I wrote this to God:

"In Judges 6:11-24, in Your encounter with Gideon, Gideon had a similar question of you as I have had over this last year - "If the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us?"  This encounter ended with You showing Your faithfulness to Gideon, offering a way of deliverance, and Gideon calling you "the Lord of Peace". Oh, Lord, what a great reminder that You are with me, and that in time, You will show me Your plan in all of this.  I will trust in You."

I follow a blog that may be of some encouragement to you. It's always helped me to share in the sufferings of fellow believers who are experiencing the same trial I am - just to know I'm not alone, so to speak.  You may find some comfort in it as well.  Here is the blog: http://tskline.blogspot.com/

Today, she mentions that a friend recently told her as she asked the question, "why?", that it may not be about her at all, that it may be about those around her.  Her friend told her that all of those that have walked with her through this trial have grown because of it.

That was very encouraging to me :) Helps remind me of a greater purpose.

Of course, none of this makes my longing to be a mom any less, but it helps me breathe, and get out of bed, and see God at work in my heart.  I want what God wants for me more than I want what I think is best for me (on good days!).  He calls me to be fruitful and multiply. He tells me that children are like arrows in the bosom of their father and a man is to be respected at the gates of the city who has a bosom full. I know that He wants me to be a mom.  I know that He wants YOU to be a mom.  How that will look and in what timing, I do not know. I know it's my job to trust Him and His timing, and fall on my face before His throne in my weakness.  He loves me.  He loves YOU.  He proved that on the Cross.

It is okay to struggle, friend.  But struggle well.  Take everything to God.  He will meet you where you are.

Love you, and am praying for you.
Shana

Wrapping up the holidays (IN MAJOR OVERLOAD!)…and The News.

Whew!! I can't believe the holiday season is over!  It was a whirlwind of activity and events, which makes me even more wishful that I updated my blog more frequently.  So much to remember and share!

Matt and I went to a coworker's wedding in December who had their reception at Vulcan Park.  

Matt has NEVER been to the Vulcan!  There is so much that I'm realizing he still hasn't experienced of this city! Vulcan Park has such a great overlook of the city.  You can see it behind us :)

Another place in town that has a similar view is The Club…but we're not members…must work on that :)

As we started preparing for Christmas and setting up our tree, I realized that we haven't gotten our annual Christmas ornament yet.  I like to have one every year…just a sentimental thing.  

So, friends of mine who are still raising funds for the adoption of their sweet daughter were making and selling these ornaments (shown below).  It was perfect!  And we were given the opportunity to donate to a much worthy cause :)

I must say, sending and receiving Christmas cards is one of my most favorite things at Christmas.  We display them in different ways each year.  Next year, I think I'll make a Christmas tree on our wall with them.  A sorority sister shared that idea a few weeks ago.  There is so much to be thankful for, and friends are certainly one of them.  I look at these cards while doing anything around the house, from cleaning to enjoying a hot cup of chocolate on the couch…it reminds me how much God has blessed me, and how much love is shared amongst us. 

I also baked banana nut bread and wrapped up several loaves to take to neighbors around us :)

There were even cards on the backside of this so you could see just as many when you came in the front door as you could sitting on the couch!

One of my best friends, Elizabeth, and I usually grab brunch around this time of year just before Christmas.  This year we went to Alabama Biscuit.  I've never been there before, and I loved how they celebrated our state!  I love Alabama, and they seem, too, as well :)

You may have guessed, but yes, all they serve are biscuits!  You have many to choose from…sweet or savory.. We joked that Elizabeth's came out looking a little like dog food….however, it tasted great.  Some kind of nut butter and honey. 

And mine was pure delicious!  Goat cheese, honey, and pecans…YUM.

We were getting ready to go to my work's Christmas party..I think we sort of dressed a like here :) Except I'm the only one who had on skinny jeans :)  (thankfully..)

I asked my mom for a Julia Childs' cookbook for Christmas..I am looking forward to diving into this little jewel soon.

While Matt enjoyed putting together his new tool box on Christmas morning! (while wearing his new Baylor beanie, of course!) Having a man who can put stuff together and be handy around the house is SUCH a blessing!

Tada!!!  

I think he may actually hate that I put this picture on the blog :)  But I think it's so cute!! and it shows the finished product..

Well, friends…Meet Campbell. 

She is a rescue we found near Matt's grandparent's house while were were there for a day visiting after Christmas.  How anyone could just dump this sweet little girl is beyond me.  She had gum lacerations, a couple ticks on her, a wound on her backside, and just looked like skin and bones.  

And to top it off, she's just a puppy.  Maybe 7-8 months old. 

I couldn't stand it.  I asked Matt if we could take her home and get her well.  After looking into my sweet, precious, begging, beautiful eyes (ahem)…he said yes! 

So, we promptly spent A LOT of money.  Geez.

But she had to be bathed, de-wormed, get up to date on all vaccines, and have blood work done.

Plus, new food, kennel, leash, collar.  OH my goodness. 

But look at that face.  Precious. 

She and our other furry babies get along great and play like they've known each other their entire lives. 

We named her Campbell for the street name we found her on, which is the street on which Matt's grandparents live.  

Traveling home...

New Years Eve!!!  Matt and I found this great little romantic bistro restaurant downtown to have a nice dinner on NYE. 

It was DELICIOUS!!!

And, of course, we got all spiffed up :)  

Below are just our appetizers :)  I didn't get any pictures of our actual 2nd, 3rd, or 4th courses! 

But, oh, we rolled out of this place!

Then, while watching LOADS of football on New Years Day, I made my Meme's gumbo!

For my first time making roux…it turned out perfect!

And Matt won this little gem at a dirty santa party at work…so we made these biscuits, too.

We invited some friends over that night to enjoy gumbo with us and watch football.  It was such a fun time together and a great way to celebrate a new year!

The News.

On December 23, we got the news that we were not pregnant.  On December 24, we got to celebrate the coming birth of Jesus and take communion at church during a candlelight service, remembering that our Savior shares in our suffering and never gives us more than we can handle in this life. On December 25, we celebrated His birth.  

Though to me everything was "perfect" last month to get pregnant, God's plans are not my own.  His thoughts are higher than my thoughts, His ways higher than mine.  He tells me, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and future."

Knowing the Lord is my strength.  Spending time with Him in His Word and prayer is where I find the strength to stand and walk daily.  He is my hope and my future.  As long as I have Him, I have everything. 

We will wait to see what He chooses to do with us/our lives in this New Year.  

Praise be to God from Whom all blessings flow!  

And we have many blessings for which to be thankful!  Not the least, the newest addition to our family over Christmas, Campbell. She reminds us daily of how we are to approach God, as she shows us how thankful she is to have been adopted into our family.