Let me first start by saying, I know this topic is rarely brought up in casual conversation, however, if one is willing to share the struggle, then by all means, there is a blessing to be held.
Very few of you may know that for the last five months, Matt and I have been trying to conceive. I never dreamed that I would be counted among the women that would find it a struggle. I've always imagined myself as the mother of many children, and was excited that I would finally get the chance to live out this long lived desire. So, you can imagine, after the first month of trying and not getting pregnant, I was pretty non-chalant about it - it's only been one month, right? After month two, hmmmmm....after month three, I panicked a little. After month four, I went to see an OB/GYN. This whole time, I've dealt with a roller coaster ride of emotions - from trusting in the Lord, to feeling desperate, to crying myself to sleep at night, to feeling like I have no right to feel this way - it's only been four months! Some women try for MUCH longer, and still haven't conceived. However, month after month, I find myself on my knees before the Lord, asking for His will to be done, and praying fervently for many children that Matt and I could raise in His name, for His glory. But let me be honest, until recently, I've had many moments of some serious self-loathing and feeling like I was being punished for past sin and wallowed in self pity that I would never receive the blessing that I so desire because of it.
Whew. It's a heavy burden to carry when your view of God is mainly as a warden who is waiting to punish you at any moment. I never realized, until recently, that I harbored this view of God within my heart. When I was confronted with this knowledge, with the help of my OB/Gyn of all people (thank you, Lord, for Dr. McKenzie!), I broke down in tears, and confessed it to Jesus, begging Him to change my heart and view of Him - believing that He really does forgive when asked, and no longer holds that sin against me (although I do know there is a place for repercussions of sin - this is another topic altogether). My heart was needing to be freed from bondage, and God has used this process to reveal it to me, and bring healing.
At the next visit to my OB/Gyn's office, I was sitting in the waiting room, and I witnessed this young girl standing at the counter, with a tear streaked face, holding a brown paper bag. Now, some may know, others may not - I certainly didn't until going through this process - a brown paper bag is synonymous with a cup for the man, if you know what I mean. As I watched her, my soul was so filled with love for this young woman I've never met, and the desire to somehow comfort her and pray for her. In that moment, it all made sense. There is purpose in my suffering. I now can understand the suffering of other women who are going through this same process. I understand the longing, the pain, the anxiousness. I also understand the peace that surpasses all understanding that the Lord brings as I sit as his feet. The scripture came to mind that we suffer, so that through our suffering the comfort we have received, that we would be able to comfort others. That morning, sitting in my OB/Gyn's office, I was thankful for this process, and praised the Lord.
I finished my study in the Book of James this morning, and James ends with telling us - if you suffer, then pray! If you are happy, then sing praises! and if you are sick, then call the elders of the church to pray over you and anoint you with oil. The theme here is - PRAY! Our Almighty Father in heaven wants us to cling to Him, no matter what the circumstances. He is faithful.
And I know you may be wondering what the results of month five are - well, we don't know yet, either...But we are hopeful.
Praise Jesus's name. Forever and ever.
