God is Victorious! Victoria's Story...

I woke up this morning to see my husband feeding a bottle to our sweet baby girl, swaddling her, and holding her so gently. Against his 6'3" frame, she appears amazingly tiny and fragile.

Yes, dear friends, God gave us a child.  Hallelujah, Praise Jesus!

Victoria Louise Moton

Born July 13, 2015

7lbs 4.8oz, 21.5 inches long

4:38pm

I have been trying to write this post for two weeks.  I have written it over and over again in my mind, desiring so deeply to carefully pen the faithfulness of my God.  It is a bit overwhelming. Every time I start to write, my eyes fill with tears of joy of the great blessing God has delivered to us.

I want to make sure I don't forget any detail, large or small, so that one day, when our daughter is ready to hear, we will be able to tell her how faithfully God worked out every detail of her coming into our home and becoming a part of our family. My prayers for her this morning is that God would give her a spirit of gentleness and peace, a great love for Him, and that she would never question how much she is loved.

God's faithfulness in the details:

Starting in June, God kept bringing to mind this verse, "He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!" Psalm 113:9.  I kept asking the Lord, "Could this really be for me? Is it really You bringing this verse to mind, or am I imagining this promise to be for me?"  Somewhere in the deep recesses of my heart, I knew it was my God speaking gently to me.  I felt the time was coming when He would provide, I just still didn't know how or when.

Many months ago, you may remember the story of "the twins".  Of course, that was a fake pregnancy, but it served to get Matt and I started on a home study we would have otherwise never completed.  As soon as we got involved with that scenario, God protected us and shut it down - but He also got us to start that home study.

When our home study was completed just two short months ago, I put our names on a list at the hospital where I work indicating we would like to adopt if a birthmother happens to present requesting to place her child for adoption.  I was told by the social worker that they always present this list of names to the birthmother (and father, if he's around) but they've never had a birthmother choose a name. They always place their babies with DHR.  The reason for this is because they are not allowed to receive any information about the names on that list, and if they go to DHR, the hospital handles everything for them.  I told the social worker that day that I was sure no one would ever choose a name off the list if that is the way it's handled. She said, "Yep. That's likely true, as it's never happened."  We had no hope that it would benefit it us in any way, but we kept our names on that list.

We decided not to go through an agency because of the great expense, and asked God to bring us a baby by private adoption or naturally, or BOTH!

Three weeks ago, I was at work. At 3pm I received a phone call from the hospital social worker. "Are you still wanting to adopt?", she says.  My heart starts racing.  I'm still not sure if I calmly replied "Yes" or screamed it :) All I know is I couldn't wait to get off the phone and call Matt. I also had to call an attorney because the hospital did not know how to process a private adoption, as it's unprecedented because of the earlier details I gave you.  We had touched base with an attorney several months ago when we thought the "twins" were an option, but this time when I called him, I said, "You likely don't remember me from several months ago, but I am retaining you as our lawyer, and we have a baby." He was at the hospital within the hour getting papers signed with the birthparents.

The birthparents:
All I know is that it is a married couple, with four children already, who are overwhelmed with parenting and financially providing for their current family.   The social worker told me that they told her "they prayed throughout the pregnancy that they would be able to give this child to a couple who couldn't have children on their own."

Remember, friends, they knew nothing about us. All they saw was our names on a piece of paper. No details. No ages, no races, no work history, nothing. The social worker also told me that she initially had forgotten to give them the list of names for private adoption, and only gave them the agency list/DHR. However, when she was walking back to her office, she "remembered" that she had a list of private adoption names. Hallelujah!  God is in control.

One hour after giving the birthparents BOTH avenues, she walked back in their room and heard OUR NAMES as the chosen family.  Ya'll.  If this does not prove God is in the smallest of details, I don't know what else I can say!

The birthmother is a teacher of some sorts, and I'm not sure what the birth father does. They wanted a closed adoption, and did not want to meet us or see our sweet baby. They wanted to make sure no form of attachment was made.  I wrote the birthmother a long letter thanking her for choosing life and giving us her baby. I told her how loved this sweet precious miracle of a child would be, and for which she would be well provided.  I told her how Matt and I have been unable to have our own children, and how we've prayed for this child for three years. I spoke of God's faithfulness and unending love. I also told her we would be praying for she and her husband, as we knew how unbelievably hard this must be for them.  The social worker delivered my letter to the birthmother, and told me the birthmother started crying just upon receiving it, before she even read it.  The outside of the letter was labeled, "momma". God bless her soul.  I love her so much and I've never met her.

More of God orchestrating the details:

My mother WAS ALREADY IN TOWN, ladies!  How awesome is that?!?!  Donna told me it's like God threw us a surprise party :)  Oh, how I needed my mother that first week!

God provided SO MUCH for us even on that first night of finding out we were going to be parents.  Colleagues gave us a crib, bouncer seat. Friends brought baby clothes and crib sheets and a pack-n-play with bassinet. The ER staff somehow pulled together a fabulous impromptu baby shower at work. My mom bought us a baby monitor and crib mattress and tons of other goodies.  God provided. We had everything we needed to make a go at it :)

So, we found out about our baby one afternoon, and less than twenty-four hours later, we brought her home. Bless the Lord, o my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name!

I would also like to say this, as a dear friend brought this to my attention.  She asked, "Have you thought back to what was going on in your life/mind/heart at the time Victoria would have been conceived?  I said, "no, actually, I haven't." And she sent me this blog post I wrote during the month our sweet baby girl would have come to be:

God has reminded me that as He is sovereign over the seasons, He is sovereign over my life. 

Nothing will be withheld from me or Matt that God has intended to give us.

Not even a child.

Our hope is in Him alone. 

I have been battling unbelief this last week as the lies inside my head would have me believe that God has forgotten me, that He no longer listens to my prayers, or that He even cares. 

What I've been reminded is that I am a Good Work begun by God the day He saved me, and He will finish this work until the day of Christ's return. 

Oh, how thankful I am that Your mercies renew in the morning, Oh God!

You see, as I saw when I re-read these words of mine written just nine months prior, God had already answered my prayers long before I knew it. He was asking me to wait on Him. He is faithful. He gave us Victoria.  

Her name is to remind us that our God is victorious! Nothing is impossible with God.  And her middle name is after both of her maternal great grandmothers.  What a blessing!

Some pictures:

This is the night before the unsuspecting phone call from the social worker. My mom had just gotten into town and we took her to dinner at The Club. :)

This is the first picture taken of me and my daughter. I got to meet her the next morning after all legal paperwork was signed. I went to see her before I saw any patients that morning. I was a blubbering mess! I couldn't even stop crying for the nurse to take a picture!!

Nana meeting her first granddaughter for the first time.

I will tell you, this next picture almost didn't get taken. It was such a sweet moment that I felt really couldn't be tainted with the snapping of a camera. But I also wanted so dearly to capture it. These sleepless nights are NO JOKE. But the time I am given to snuggle with and feed my daughter are so precious and priceless to me. It is worth every minute of sleep lost. I know these days won't last, and I want to cherish every moment. 

no makeup. pure love. 

And these next pictures are just a glimpse of our recent Newborn Photo Shoot for her birth announcements :)

Oh, how I love this sweet little family of mine!  

"For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to Him."

1 Samuel 1:27

Adoption

 “When we adopt—and when we encourage a culture of adoption in our churches and communities—we’re picturing something that’s true about our God. We, like Jesus, see what our Father is doing and do likewise (John 5:19). And what our Father is doing, it turns out, is fighting for orphans, making them sons and daughters.”

- Russell D. Moore, Adopted for Life

Matt and I have prayed for a long time regarding adoption.  We believe it to be such a beautiful picture of what Christ has done for us.  We, ourselves, have been adopted into God's family because of the sacrifice of Jesus on our behalf.  We have been grafted in when we didn't deserve to live.  The Lord has been moving our hearts towards adoption over these last few months.  I wouldn't say "we fought the idea".  It's more of the feeling that I'm being asked to give up my deep longing of being pregnant, of experiencing life growing within me, of preparing for that life, of being excited to hear the crazy things Matt might say or do while trying to rush me to the hospital to give birth (wink). It was the feeling of being asked to give up the experience of bringing that precious life into this world, and seeing mine and Matt's reflection in it's little face. I don't know about every woman, but I would surmise most women long to know what it feels like to be pregnant and to experience that joy.  But some longings are not to be fulfilled.  Some longings are given to be sacrificed at our Lord's feet.  Whatever you want, Jesus, we will do.  Change the desires of our hearts to reflect Yours.

With that said, I sincerely don't believe adoption is "less than".  It's precious and beautiful. It's life giving. It's taking care of the orphans in this world. It's a picture of sacrifice and love that we have experienced in Jesus. We feel honored that we may get to be a reflection of that picture and long to love a little baby (or babies!) with all the love that we can possibly squeeze out of these two hearts.

Our first effort at adoption was cray-cray (you know this if you read my last post!).  We had an opportunity placed before us, and we were going to move forward until the Lord said "no".  And He did!  So, now we're here!  We are still in a state of "not preventing", but seeking the Lord and His will regarding growing our family by adoption. 

We have decided for now that we would like to pursue private adoption (rather than working with an agency).  We are working with a local independent social worker and adoption attorney.  Our home study process is just weeks from being completed...and we are ready in our hearts and minds to bring home a baby.

Here is where you come in!  We need help in getting the word out.  It doesn't have to be a baby in the state of Alabama.  It doesn't have to even be someone you know.  It can be your coworker's daughter's best friend's cousin's cousin who can't take care of her baby and is looking for a new home :)

We just want our names to come to mind when you hear a story of someone who is courageously desiring to give their baby a better home, a better life, one filled with love and protection, one who loves Jesus. 

We also want you to help us by telling all of your friends and family that you know of a couple seeking to adopt if they hear of someone, as well.  Just casual conversation, friends :)

Please pray with us that God's will be done.

 Romans 8:14-16 

For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father."

A little drama is good for the soul

Ya'll.  

(pronounced with a drawl and an octave above the norm)

Any good southerner knows when you start out with a statement like that...what follows is going to be quite interesting.

Let me just begin by saying Matt and I recently had (thought we had) the opportunity to adopt two precious baby twins.  A couple in our church are foster parents of a sweet little baby whose birth mother was pregnant again with twins.  Matt and I cooked breakfast for our Sunday school last Sunday, and the aroma of its deliciousness drew those old friends down the hall at church to find out what was cooking :) 

This friend of mine and I went to PA school together, and he and his wife and three kids now also go to our church.  This is the couple who is fostering.  He told me about the twins (already 18 weeks!) and of course, Matt and I were more than willing to put our name in the hat to adopt them.  By that afternoon, we were having a 45 minute conversation with the birth mother, and she all but told us the babies were ours.  She had another couple she was considering as well, but the father got sick, and she didn't think it was best.  Matt and I were elated and nervous at the same time.  The next day, we found a local adoption attorney, and got the process of our home study underway with a social worker. The one thing this birth mother kept telling us is that she wanted to make sure these babies did not go to DHR. We were more than happy to oblige!

We had plans to meet the birth mother during the following 1-2 weeks.  Adoption reference letters were sent out to be made on our behalf.  We were praying to God for guidance and direction, and to protect those babies.

Then this happened.  Following you will read three emails.  The first news devastated us.

This email was sent to a few of the ladies in my small group, who just found out the night before that we were planning to adopt, Lord willing:

Our birth mother miscarried the twins this morning.  Apparently her fall yesterday that we told you guys about was worse than she let on.  Although she was encouraged to seek medical treatment yesterday, she didn't.  She woke up this morning in a puddle of blood, and miscarried both babies at home.  She is currently not returning texts any longer to our friends.

I am at work today in the ER and just received this phone call from my friend, R.  Please pray for us, for our birth mother, and for our friends who are still trying to help her.

Obviously, I have not had time to process this before the Lord, yet.  We know the He will bring peace that surpasses understanding, but I am so very sad.

Thank you for your prayers,

Shana

The following day, I responded to a mentor's email who was checking on me with this:

Thank you for your prayers.  I have surely felt them yesterday and today.  My time with the Lord yesterday morning (in continuing with my Lenten study) was on the night before Jesus went to the cross and was praying, "take this cup from me, Father. But not my will, but yours be done."   By the end, my prayer before the Lord was that this would be the foundation of my life and my walk with Him.  That I would desire His will above my own in everything. 

I did not realize He would bring that back up so quickly.  But I am thankful He prepared my heart somewhat before we found out that news yesterday.  It was hard, it is hard.  This morning as I was spending time with the Lord, I confessed to Him that it feels as if He's asking me to give any dream I've ever had of my life over to Him. Any dream of motherhood, a large family, etc.  These are really the only things I've ever thought about when I thought about my future (besides being married, which thankfully, God allowed!).  I can look back in my high school senior book, and it says, "be a doctor, married, with at least 5 kids".  This is the hardest part. To give up that dream. To hand it over and say, "Not my will, but Yours be done".  But what else can I do?  I can't live miserably in regret or bitterness. 

So, my heart is sad.  It mourns these losses every time a new friend, coworker, family member announces their pregnancy.  I have to trust that God is doing something far greater than I can even imagine, and one day He will reveal it to me and Matt.  But that is easier said than done on my best day :)

Matt is not ready to give up. He wants to keep trying with our fertility doctor.  So, I will honor his request.  I would love to give him a child that looks like him and has his eyes. He really would be such an amazing daddy. But, in my heart of hearts, I feel God is saying no. Time will tell.  Matt is "staying strong" for now, but I think it's because he still has hope we'll be parents. I haven't seen him lose that hope yet. He has the gift of faith, remember? :)

Anyway, thank you for your email and checking in. I'm working today and tomorrow in the ER and then will have some time off. Looking forward to that.

Talk soon,

Shana

THEN THIS!!! This was the third day...yesterday.  An email back to my mentor.  Let me just say again....YA'LLLLLL.

 

So, I received a call this morning that the entire pregnancy was a fake.  A FAKE! 

The girl was never pregnant. She stuffed her belly to look pregnant. The pictures were very convincing...but now looking back, you can sort of tell. Her belly was a little bit different each time - but who sees that when someone tells you they're pregnant and giving you their babies??!

The miscarriage was, obviously, also a fake.  It's a long story, but the graphic pictures to "prove" she miscarried the she sent our friends were downloaded off the internet. 

Again, it's a long story how all of this was figured out...but, suffice to say, she's currently locked up in a mental ward.

As I processed this news this morning, and talked with Matt about it, we are both so thankful to God for ending this before we got even more invested.  We said God was protecting us. As soon as we got involved, the charade basically ended. 

It is very humbling and we are ever so thankful.

Shana

End Dramatic Story.

As I have thought about those two days of grieving two lost babies and our very soon chance to become parents, I remember thinking, God, we trust You...but do You really hear our pleas?  What are you doing? What are Your plans for us?  I believe, but help my unbelief.  

Then, the very next day, to find out about the charade..to SEE that God NEVER took His eye off of us...that He protected us...it was such a humbling experience before the Lord, and such a spirit of thankfulness as I poured myself out at His feet. 

Oh, Lord, You are trustworthy and true! Your plans are always best.  You are FOR Your children. 

I don't know what His plans are for Matt and I in regards to parenting, having natural children, adopting, or our future.  What I do know is that HE HAS PLANS, and they are to prosper me, not to harm me, and to give me a hope and future.  My hope is in Him. 

We sang this hymn in church this morning...and I will tell you, I've never been able to contain my tears when we sing the very last verse...I long for the day I will meet my Savior face to face, and all sin will be demolished.  Forever, Lord Jesus, will I worship You. 

10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
[x2]

Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
Lord, I'll worship Your holy name

Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
I'll worship Your holy name

The Road Where God Leads.

It is time. 

 Time to get healthy! 

After many pounds of weight gain in our first 2.5 years of marriage, we are committed to whittling our waists back down :)  We have started eating healthier (hence the breakfast above), and we have started running again.  Not only have we gained weight in our lack of exercise and overeating, but our sweet puppies have also.  They are all for "another treat" at ALL times :)

Speaking of running, I was driving our new puppy, Campbell, to Jemison trail the other day to go for a run and she cried the whole way.  Our older two dogs (who didn't get to go on this particular ride) LOVE being in the car and hanging their heads out of the windows, sniffing the air, trying to get a taste of all the different smells that they may encounter.  But not Campbell.  I kept trying to tell her that I was taking her to do something very fun, and the ride is how we get there.

As I was driving, continually trying to reassure her as she would barely put her nose up to the open window, God reminded me that this is often how I live my life before Him.  He knows the end result.  He knows the road that it will take to get me there and I have to trust Him.  He continually reassures me that He is in control and wants the best for me.  But, so often, I live in fear of the unknown and allow anxiousness to overtake me.  I can hear my Heavenly Father saying, "Trust me.  I am upholding you with my righteous right hand. In order to get where I am taking you, we have to take this road."

I don't know what Campbell went through before we found her…before she found us.  I don't know if the last ride she took was the one where she was abandoned.  I am committed to loving her and hugging her often and taking her on these rides so that she will learn the end result is a good one.  I don't know how long it will take, but we will keep on working until she trusts.

I imagine this is the same reason I always seem to be put in situations where I have to exhibit patience, why I have to wait, why I don't get (enter the blank) when I want it.  God is taking me on that same ride, until I learn to say, "All I need is You. Whatever you want, Lord, I will do.  I trust You."

We studied the passage of scripture recently in which Mary and Martha have sent for Jesus because their beloved brother, Lazarus, was dying.  The scripture reads, "So the sisters sent to him saying, 'Lord, he whom you love is ill.'….So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was." (John 11:3-6).

Wait, what?!  You mean, He didn't come right away?  He didn't rush to the rescue?! I mean, this is life and death!

I wrote above verse 3 and verse 6….but what about those in between.  The verses in between say, "But when Jesus heard it he said, "This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it."

The story goes that Jesus arrived 4 days after Lazarus had died, and Jesus rose Lazarus from his death (after plenty of time for the body to really stink)…and it was for his glory.  Mary and Martha didn't understand at the time, in fact, they wept at the confusion as to why Jesus wouldn't have come sooner.  But then they saw.  They understood.  It was for his glory. He DID love their brother, but His timing was not theirs.

What encouragement this is to me in life...In dealing with infertility...In not getting what I want AT THE EXACT MOMENT I want it.  And although I may never get what I want, my hope and desire is that what I want will become only what Jesus wants for me.  And that is better and best.  And my heart rests in Thee alone.  His plans, His timing, His will - is perfect.

On a lighter note,  Matt finally got his backyard golf tee up that my parents go him for Christmas and has started practicing in our very own yard!  He is so excited and states, "I can just stay out there for hours and practice with one club at a time."  ooohhhhh….yay.  :)

But, he's happy :)  And I love to see my better half happy.  I also love to see him when he gets all dressed up like below…

I call this 007. 

We went to a friend's wedding in Chattanooga, TN a couple of weekends ago where this picture was taken.  It really is so beautiful there.  We need to plan a weekend trip!

And then, here's our first born.  She LOVES being held like a baby by Matt.  I am only an intrusion :)  We joke often that she says, "Daddy, we were fine before you brought her along."   Of course, she is his baby, but she does love her mommy, too ;)

Please keep praying for us for wisdom from above in our next steps in this infertility process.  We are just months away from being able to adopt if that is God's will.  We are also still working with our reproductive endocrinologist.