I've recently been inspired to share my story of walking through infertility. I don't know if anyone will ever read this blog again, or care to know these thoughts (or the process!). But I know that I will love to look back on this time (sometime in the future) and see God's hand at work in my life, and praise Him because of it. Hopefully, if someone reading this is also struggling through infertility, you will be encouraged, and realize you are not alone.
For anyone who doesn't know me, or for those I haven't talked to in a long time…let me catch you up.
The last blog post I wrote was five months in to dealing with infertility. It has now been one year and five months. A lot has transpired! The road the Lord has taken Matt and I on has been tumultuous, fun, heartbreaking, encouraging, on my face in the floor days of sadness, to be followed by days of courage. He has never left our side one step of the way, though, I can honestly say there were many times when I felt like He had. The Lord has proven Himself to me over and over, and confirmed in my heart that there is purpose in all that He does and the road He is leading us down.
So, the process.
The last time I wrote, Matt and I were just in the beginnings of grasping this diagnosis that was handed to us ever casually. It was like a plate of cold porridge. NO thank you! Yet, there it was. On our plate. We had to go through a myriad of tests…bloodwork to check hormone levels, monthly transvaginal ultrasounds, surgery. (I say "we" because Matt had to get tested, too - you know, the whole "here's your cup honey!" But he came out with flying colors - "great, powerful swimmers there, Matt" - said Doctor M. Way to go babe!!) On my side of things, for those wondering if it ever gets easier…it never does. But God's grace abounds more and more. After several months (four more to be exact) of taking fertility medication, multiple ultrasounds, a very painful surgery (called HSG) - we had no success in baby making. The official name of the surgery is Hysterosalpingogram -
and it is painful. I was told to take Motrin beforehand, which I did, but it didn't make a difference in the moment I needed it most. However, the pain only lasted for about 10 seconds - although that 10 seconds felt like 10 minutes of my uterus kicking me from the inside with steel toed boots while drinking a bottle of whiskey. Yikes! However, Matt was there holding my hand through the whole process, as silent tears fell down my face. Doctor M told him that he gets brownie points for being there, most men never come to that.
Let me take a moment just to praise my wonderful husband. Matt has been a blessing to me through this entire process. He has wanted to
BE a part of the process, to know what is going on with me and my body. He has taken in stride that for several months (many months) we were planning sex, I was taking my temperature every morning, and my hormone levels were making me crazy at times because of the medication. He has given me grace when I didn't deserve it. He has comforted me month after month when we found out we weren't pregnant and I was a ball of tears on the floor. This man is the epitome of strength and meekness to me. He consistently points me to Truth, and reminds me God has a plan for us. He is a gift from the Lord to me.
Well, back to the process…after months of attaining great hormone levels for pregnancy, coming through all of our tests with gold stars, and still not getting pregnant, we decided to take a few months off. We needed space from all of the invasion of needles, ultrasound probes, and monitoring. But before we did that, Doctor M told me that he recommended a surgery to see if I had endometriosis as a cause of my infertility. We didn't want to pursue that route at the time because I had no symptoms of that disease process, and didn't feel like it was possible that I could have it, so we took time for ourselves.
After three or four months of "relaxing" and "getting stress free" (which by the way, is a whole bunch of ridiculous advice given by people who have never struggled with infertility - just don't say it!) - we still didn't get pregnant. I ended up having lunch with a friend who had also been struggling with infertility for more than a year, and she told me that she was diagnosed with endometriosis, although she never had symptoms, either. She underwent the surgery, and the next month she was pregnant through a procedure of IUI (intrauterine insemination). I'll explain that procedure in a minute :)
I think it was the information I needed to move forward with having that same surgery. It's sweet to see how God orchestrates timing in all of this. I probably hadn't talked to that friend in three years, but at the time I needed to, the Lord brought her my way. I got scheduled for the laparascopic surgery, and felt like once again, I was entering into the world of being poked and prodded, and my personal space was about to again be invaded…but I want to be a mommy. So I go. I was diagnosed with stage 1 endometriosis, as well as having a uterine septal wall that was dividing my uterus and is associated with a high rate of miscarriages. Hallelujah!! There's a reason!!! (Now, I will say that as I slept in recovery after the surgery and Doctor M was explaining all of this to Matt while using words such as "need fertile grass to grow" and showing him pictures, Matt almost passed out :) He says he remembers Doctor M calling for a nurse to bring a sprite…oh sweet honey bunch.)
We were told that we needed to wait two months after the surgery to allow ample time for my innards..
ahem..to heal, and "fertile grass" to grow (the endometrial lining) to allow a plush landscape for a little bambino to attach :) So, in the meantime, we have been seeing a fertility clinic (advised to us by Doctor M), and of course, have had to undergo A LOT more testing…ugh. They have been "tweaking" every level of anything in my body, to make me a "fertile goddess". However, I have to admit, constantly being told there is something else to fix doesn't make me feel like a goddess at all. At one point, I just wanted to give everyone the finger. Yet, now my thyroid is "happy" as they say (although it was never medically unhappy…it was fertility unhappy)…and my Vitamin D levels are "awesome".
So, now that
you're up to speed,
We are now in the month of officially trying again!!! (Heart jumping for glee!!) I am currently giving myself injections of a medication called Follistim every day for six days to help stimulate my ovaries to produce quality, healthy eggs. I know you may be thinking that is something easy for me to do because I work in the medical field - think again! Causing pain to others vs causing pain to yourself…HUGE difference. I can even take getting shots from other people, or watching my own blood get drawn, etc. But having to GIVE MYSELF a shot??? It took some deep breathing, some talking to myself -"You CAN do this…you CAN…just do it!" Oh my…that first shot…whew. Glad it is over. The day I was supposed to give the shot to myself in my thigh instead of my stomach (to rotate)…I couldn't. It was a new area, and I had just gotten used to my stomach getting injected. So I said, "sorry tummy…here it comes again!" But I've gotten better…The thighs are engaged in the game now, too :) I go in two days to have an ultrasound (bleh) to see if I have any mature follicles. If so (please Jesus!!), then I will receive an HCG injection (to help my little eggs release to be fertilized!), and then have the procedure (IUI) the next day.
IUI = Intrauterine Insemination. Basically, they take Matt's junk and wash it…and put it in my junk. Just making sure it gets where it's supposed to go, and everyone plays nicely!
I'll update in a couple days and let you know how the ultrasound goes :)
